there are two things I must never write here and tonight I almost wrote both of them.

I am not ok. There is nobody for me to even talk to. I thought I was close to having this all atleast under control, but its worse than ever now. I exist on the fringe of the lives of a bunch of people who are happy and have their own lives. what the hell am I supposed to do? life cant be like this.

This week,


1 year since the mistake
3 years with a company I hate
5 years without


3rd trip to Blackbear

Damn you bekah

is it too much to ask just not to be alone? Just to have somebody to sit with.

Its amazing how the littlest things just explode into such horrible feelings.
The other people have no idea, nor do they care anymore.

It seems like more and more everbody else's life is coming together, while mine is falling apart more and more. I am losing it.

I feel like I am starting to not like rowing, whats left after that?

medicine #5, here we go once more

trying to keep it under control, not succeeding